Transformation - A Long Game

Funny how things work out.  When I started writing this blog I was convinced that it was going to be a travelogue of my journey from crap card-handler to somewhat less crap card-handler.  I was certain that it would be full of missteps, stumbles, and good laughs at my expense (I've always been a fan of self-deprecation).  I gave it a run for a few months before it morphed into more of an "advice from the Stars" piece, which was fine by me - I mean, how long can people stand a blog of negative put-downs?  Oh. Wait...

Things shifted once again when I looked forward to spending time at The Magic & Mystery School's "Magic & Meaning" conference a couple of years ago.  In my mind, the proverbial shit got real, and I felt like I needed to as well.  "Getting real" meant getting a real show together, frantically trying to avoid the impostor syndrome.  By the time I immersed myself in ground zero of the Vegas magic world, I had begun to cobble together a 35 minute routine, which eventually became "Words Are Magic."  Going into Magic and Meaning, this made me feel like less of an outsider.  Damned fool.

Let me make this clear - nobody in Vegas made me feel like an outsider.  If anything, everyone was much kinder than I deserved, and many of the magicians I met have become friends, and in some cases, an extended family.  No, if there was anyone beating me up, it was me.  While I came back excited about getting back into performing (which I actually did two months later), I was still feeling like a damned rookie who was in over his head.   One might think that this is why I stopped writing this blog, but like dealing from the middle of the deck, it's not that simple.

I get distracted.  Yep, that was it.  I put the cards aside to get a show together for my company holiday party.  Then there was a show for my family, and then - well, the day job changed again.  New company, new responsibilities.  By the time I had time to consider magic again, the holidays were coming and my new employer asked if I would do a few things for that show.  On the heels of that show came a clamoring from the family to do something on Christmas Eve, and I was suddenly putting two completely new shows together - one more adult, one family-friendly.  Surviving those, I dived into the busy season of our largest client at work, which of course pulled focus.  It was during this time that one of my best friends in the world asked if I would do a show for his son's 10th. Birthday party.  I had not considered doing a kids-only show, but friends don't let friends down, and I somehow pieced a show together in time.

During all of this I had been in touch with Rick Maue, who had been kind enough to offer some words of advice to an earlier blog.  For those of you who don't know, Rick does precious few training sessions these days, and even less performances.  Rick mentioned that he was going to host a weekend workshop in his home in Pittsburgh, and something told me that I had to go. For once, I'm glad I listened to myself.  Rick turned on the fire hose, and I'm still processing everything he offered about magic, mentalism, character development - and life.  I made more friends, especially Rick, his lovely wife Tammy, and their energetic pup, Woody.  Still, that was early Spring.  What's my excuse for not writing the past four months?

The truth is, I have no excuse.  Of course I could point to any number of life hurdles, but that would be deflecting the real reason, and the truth is, I'm the reason.  Honestly, it scared me a little bit.  I really started out thinking that I might learn a few card sleights and get to know a few magicians, but it quickly took on a life of it's own, and I discovered that I really, REALLY enjoyed performing again, and not just another "pick a card - any card" series of tricks.  

Getting to know people like Rick Maue, Kenton Knepper, Jeff McBride, Luna Shimada, Jay Sankey,  Ed & Karen Underwood, Michael Mirth, Jonas Cain, and so many others has reminded me that magic is an art - and art needs to say something significant.  As someone who has spent his life creating in one way or another, I realized that if I was going to continue this magic journey, I need to give whatever I performed real meaning - a string of unrelated tricks wasn't going to cut it.  

I know, I lay a lot of bullshit on myself.  I also know that I'm the poster child for analysis paralysis, but there it is.  In a couple of years I've gone from being the novice at the card table to thinking that I have something to say and magic is going to be my medium.  So, instead of writing this blog, I've been digging into writing my script, practicing, rehearsing (yes, I find these to be two different things), and basically trying to make sense of the nonsense I've dreamed up.

This is a check-in and a gut check, a reminder to the few of you who used to read this thing that I still exist, and a report card to myself as to how passionate I continue to be to this quest.  As I look at this, it seems that I still have this possibly misguided notion that I'll make this magic thing a profession in the future - time will tell if you're willing to hang with me for the ride.  I still have things to say and questions to ask to my magic heroes.  I may have changed lanes somewhat, but one thing remains the same - I still get by with a little help from my friends.